You're Still on My Lonely Mind
by NeverWonder
Summary: He set her free, but how can she be free without him. He's lost without her, and she needs him. Post 3.22 "Goodbye"


**A****/N:** I literally wrote this through my tears. The title is from the 3 Doors Down song "Here Without You". The finale broke me, and I'm writing this to fix it. I will probably write a million versions of this reunion until we see it on the show.

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_i._

It's been three months since Finn set her free, but she isn't free. She's trapped. The city is too big, too loud, and worst of all too lonely. Kurt arrived two weeks after she got there, and he was followed by Santana. But neither of them are Finn. The three of them live in a shoe box because she can't do this alone, and while she has promised herself to power through it all, it's not easy. They've pooled together savings, grants, and scholarship funds to make it work. Kurt's going to NYU because Blaine apparently convinced him to apply at the last minute, and they've all agreed that part time work will help pay the rent. Most days she powers through it because she has to, but at night she cries. She cries because she doesn't surrender, because Finn's wrong, because this is wrong. They can't be over, which is why despite Kurt telling her to let go, she won't take off the ring.

"I don't want New York!" She screams for the fiftieth time in the past week when they are supposed to be putting groceries away. "I want Finn!"

A jug of soy milk flies across the room, and Santana dodges it because she saw it coming from the moment Rachel picked it up fifteen seconds ago. It's not the first time nor will it be the last time their shoebox apartment has heard her shout those words, and Kurt and Santana know she doesn't quite mean it. She wants both, and it's not fair that she can't have that right now. As Santana tries to talk her down, Kurt reaches for his phone to call Finn for what seems like the hundredth time in the past week. When his brother answers, he leaves the room, but Finn can hear Rachel shouting and sobbing in the background.

"What the hell is wrong with you? You lied to her so that she would leave without you. What the hell are you doing out there?"

"Damn it, Kurt, you know how hard this choice was for me. I had to let her go just when I finally knew where I belonged." He feels like an asshole because Kurt's anger is totally justified. "I love her, but I can't be there right now. She can't wait for me, Kurt. I have to do this, and she has to be there."

"She _needs _you, Finn. She needs you, and you're off doing whatever it is you're doing in Georgia. She doesn't sleep; she just stands on the fire escape and stares at the sky crying and whispering your name. I didn't have a choice when I left Blaine in Lima, and Santana _had_ to leave Britt. But you, you _chose this_. You willing chose to let her go, knowing she loves you so much that she was willing to stay with you. This is _killing her_." Kurt's right; he is an asshole, but he's also wrong.

"You don't get it, man. I had to come here to clear my dad's name. I couldn't tell her that because she would've wanted to come with me. She belongs in New York, Kurt, and I will not stand in her way." He can practically feel Kurt's rage through the phone. "We're supposed to be married, Kurt; she's supposed to be my wife. I'm supposed to be with her, and I can't be right now. Do you realize how much that hurts? This is _killing me_."

_ii._

Georgia sucks because it isn't New York. His three month lease apartment sucks because it's not home. The girl next door sucks because she's tiny with brown hair, and sometimes when he's not paying attention he thinks she Rachel heading down the hall. His job sucks because it's busting tables at a diner instead of singing or acting or playing the drums. Everything sucks. It's been three months four days since he let her go, but he hates himself for doing it. He knows that he's done the right thing, but it hurts too much to think about. He keeps looking at the letter he's got framed on his desk next to the picture from prom. It's his future, but he can't reach it until things are settled in Georgia. It calls out to him even in the night, and it sounds like Rachel.

He's eating cold pizza out of the box when Puck calls him and tells him that he's an idiot. They talk for an hour or two about how much Connecticut sucks, and he can't help but feel jealous because Puck is with Quinn. Somehow he'd always known that they'd end up together, but the fact that he can't be with Rachel makes him almost hate his best friend. He has to redeem his father's name. He can't move on until he does. Rachel would've come with him if she'd known, and that was why he'd lied to her. She couldn't know. When he hangs up with Puck, he decides that maybe he should get some sleep because he's got a meeting at the base about his father.

Sleep comes, but it's fitful and full of dreams of Rachel. She's been there every night, and she's always beautiful. Some nights he can only see her as if separated by glass, and she cries and presses against the glass. Other nights they are together, and the dreams are so real that he can feel her heat around him as she screams his name. Tonight she can't seem to hear or see him, no matter how loudly he calls out for her, and the distance between them keeps growing until he can barely see her. He wakes in a cold sweat, crying out her name, and when he tries to go back to sleep he's too afraid that the dreams will come again. His head hurts, and his heart aches.

"Sweetie, are you sure this is the right thing?" His mom keeps asking him the same questions every time she calls, and the morning of his meeting at the base is no different. "You were so looking forward to New York, and I know you love Rachel. Just because Pace didn't work out doesn't mean you should give up on everything."

"Mom, I have to do this. I know you don't understand." He's too tired to argue with her, and every time she says Rachel's name he wants to cry.

"Finn, darling, I know you think this something you must do. But you don't owe him anything, and he'd be so proud of you already." He doesn't want to have this conversation again. "Honey, Rachel would—"

"Mom, don't do this again, please. It's hard enough."

She tells him that she loves him and that she hopes he knows what she's doing; he's not sure that he does anymore. He needs Rachel more than ever, especially when he returns to the apartment that afternoon after the meeting. He's so tired of hearing about the rules, and as far as he's concerned maybe if the army had done something to help his dad he might not have turned to drugs. Rachel would know what to do, but she's not there. She's in New York where she belongs. He buries his head in the pillow and cries until he can't breathe because he's supposed to be her husband and they're supposed to live happily ever after. Everything sucks.

_iii._

Classes have started, and they've been going on for three weeks. She tries to focus, but nothing seems right. She's just going through the motions. The days get a little easier, if only because classes are harder than she expects, but every couple she passes on the streets is another reminder that she lost Finn. Santana gets a job at the local music store, and she encourages Rachel to apply. Between work and classes she makes herself focus on anything but the pain. Nights are the hardest. She can't sleep, and when she can't sleep she stands on the fire escape and cries. She's memorized the location of Finn Hudson in the stars. Some nights she sings at him, but most nights she cries and mutters angrily about how much she misses him.

She still refuses to take the ring off her finger because she still belongs with Finn Hudson. Guys in New York don't treat her the way they did in Lima, but it doesn't matter. They smile and ask her on coffee dates and try to convince her to be their partners in duets, but she politely refuses. She's Finn Hudson's fiancée, and someday he's going to come back to her. What she doesn't understand is why he's cut her off completely. It's been three months and three weeks since she heard his voice or saw him smile. It leaves emptiness in her that she hasn't felt since they broke up junior year. They are not broken up; she tells everyone, even her fathers and his mother, that they aren't broken, just separated.

She loves New York, but she hates it because it doesn't have Finn. The city is slowly becoming home, but she doubts it will ever truly feel like home until Finn finds his way back to her. She'll wait forever. She tells Santana that it doesn't matter how long it takes. She'll work hard and go to classes and wait for Finn. Her life will move forward, but she won't lose him completely. There are days when she's felt this intense irrational anger towards him. He gave her a year, and she feels like he led her on with the proposal and the plans. There are days when she screams, and Santana has to grab her and shake her to make her stop. There are days when she sobs for hours until Kurt drags her away and holds her until she cries herself dry.

_iv._

He's met with army officials and written letters. He's spent the last four months talking to everyone, including four guys from his dad's unit. He can't keep doing this. He's made the phone call to arrange things for what happens when everything is done here, and if he doesn't leave in time or get back in time it will ruin everything. When the letter finally comes, he can't believe it. It's just in time, and he has to bust his ass because he can't screw this up. He calls his mom first, and she cries and cries for what seems like an hour and tells him how proud she is of him. She's leaving Lima in three days to go to Washington to be with Burt so he's got to get home. No, he's got to get back to Lima, but it's not home anymore. It will never be home again.

Puck shows up next day with a truck, and they pack up the shitty apartment in record time. Finn throws out everything that isn't necessary, which is almost everything he bought while living there. Kurt would kill him if he knew that he'd spent the last four months wearing the same five pairs of jeans, ten t-shirts, five long sleeve henleys, and two vests. It all fits in two suitcases, and the rest of the apartment fits in three boxes. He owes Puck a six pack for helping, but mostly he's just grateful because he shows up and doesn't call him an asshole or an idiot for being in Georgia while Rachel's in New York. They stop at four rest stops and drive all night on no sleep. It's nearly 700 miles and over eleven hours from Fort Benning to Lima, and there's a train ticket waiting for him when he gets there.

He has just enough time to hug his mom, throw some clean clothes in a bag, and take the world's fastest shower before he catches the two thirty train to the city. When he boards the train the memories flood back like someone has punched him in the stomach, and the tears sting his eyes. He can see the way her face filled with pain at the realization that they weren't getting married. He had let her believe he was enlisting because it was the easiest way to make a clean break. But it wasn't clean, it wasn't even a break. He leaves Lima behind forever, and as he watches the scenery go by he lets himself cry again because Rachel might not forgive him for what has happened between them. He has this stupid fantasy that she'll just throw herself into his arms and kiss him and everything would just be ok, but he wonders if reality will just kick him in the balls again.

_v._

"Excuse me, miss, but do you have Journey's "Frontiers" album?" He thinks he's being smooth because "Faithfully" is still their song, and Rachel knows that it's on that album. "It has one of my favorite songs on it."

The familiar voice reaches her ears, and she thinks she must be dreaming because she hasn't heard that voice in four months. When she turns around her eyes are wide, and her vision is suddenly blurred by tears. She can't do this. It's not real, and it's too horrible to take. Her shift is over in five minutes anyway so she does the only thing she can do. She runs. She clocks out and runs. He's left standing there, staring at her retreating back, until suddenly there's a resounding crack and his face stings like fire. Santana calls him something that he knows is terrible even if he can't speak Spanish, and he knows he deserves it.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Her voice echoes and everyone is staring. "You lied to her. You lied to her face, and now you're back."

"Santana I can—" But her finger is in his face, and she looks like she's about to kill him.

"I don't want to hear it. You lie to her, break her heart, and then come back here acting like you're a smooth motherfucker with some cheap line about Journey, and you think it's going to just magically be ok again." She raises her hand to slap him, but then drops it. "You fucked up, Hudson. Me and Hummel, we've spent the past four months picking up the pieces. How the hell are you going to fix it?"

"I'm sorry," her eyes widen at the way his voice cracks.

"Don't tell me. Tell her that."

It's only Rachel and Kurt in the shoebox, and the only sounds that can be heard are Rachel's broken sobs and her "Frontiers" CD. She sits on her bed, a large pink box in her lap as she goes through the contents of her life with Finn. Movie ticket stubs, photographs, notes they've passed, and a copy of "Pretending" written in Finn's handwriting scatter over the bed. She's hurt and angry and relieved, and she can't handle all the emotions at once. He clearly didn't enlist. She could tell the moment she laid eyes on him. He lied to her, and that hurts worse. She doesn't hear the door open, but she can vaguely hear her best friend confronting someone in the living room. When she walks into the room everything goes silent until Finn says her name.

"Fuck you," she says the words without thinking, and it hurts the way Finn winces. "I hate you."

"No you don't." He sounds hurt, but she hurts worse right now. "Rachel, please—"

"Stop it. Why are you here? Why are you here now?" Suddenly she reaches out to slap him, but he catches her wrist. "Let me go."

"Not until you listen to me. You have to let me explain. I'm so sorry, Rach." She yanks her wrist free, and he pulls her to him, wincing as her tiny fists pound his chest; neither of them seem to notice when Kurt rushes out of the apartment. "Baby please, let me explain."

"You lied to me. You made me think we were getting married, and then you put me on that train alone. You lied to me. You left me. You lied." She repeats it over and over until her voice fades and all that's left are tears.

"I'm so sorry, baby. I couldn't let you wait for me. I need to clear my dad's name if I was ever going to be my own man. I had to go, and you couldn't come with me. You belong here."

"I belong with you!" She finally tires herself out, collapsing against his chest with a broken sob. "I belong with you, Finn."

"I know, Rachel, and I belong with you; I know I screwed up, and I'm sorry. I should've told you the truth, but I knew if I did you would try to follow me. I couldn't let you do that. You're dreams are too important to wait, and I knew you'd try to put them aside for me. So I had to let you believe I was enlisting. I love you so much, and I'm so sorry." He holds her to him, letting her cry until she can't anymore. "But it's over and done now. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere this time. I'm here to stay, Rachel."

"To stay?" Her eyes are puffy and red, and she looks up at him as if expecting another emotional blow.

"I cleared his name, Rach. My dad's discharge was changed to honorable, and they're going to send my mom the information. I did it, and now I can be here." She bites her lip, and the worry in her eyes begins to fade. "I'm here to stay, if you still want me. I applied late to Stony Brook University, and Mr. Schue sent them recordings of me singing and playing the drums. I got in, Rach. I'm in New York for good, and I'm yours for good, if you still want me."

"I want you. I'll always want you, Finn." She rises on her toes to kiss him, and it's like she can't stop; she kisses him like she needs him to breathe, to live, and he wraps his arms around her, lifting her off the floor to hold her closer.


End file.
